How it goes

Its amazing how things go. These past couple days I have had this interesting encounter with life. I have been on my knees more then I have in a while, and so many a Christians would say when you get deeper you can expect the attacks to come, and maybe that is what this is, but at the same time I have had this difficulty with that thought process. I have been battling with thoughts of discouragement and fear, going toe to toe with things that shouldn't be a big deal but have been. Talking about it seems trivial and pointless but last night was by far the most intense time I have had in a long time. I had a horribly uncomfortable and awkward encounter with a friend, I struggled to focus on prayer and worship and when I drove home I felt like my heart was suffocating. I know that this is a moment that passes and I am not looking for words or a fix it plan. I am just setting myself before the Lord and asking him what he has for me in this. But I am wanting to share this with you all maybe partially to ask you to pray for me, to intercede on my behalf, but also to say these are the moments where the happy fluffy Christian stuff goes out the door and I recognize the reality of walking with the Lord. Now I have never been one to assume that things should be perfect and I am not trying to claim that, I know full well the ups and downs of walking with the Lord and walking with myself really. I feel heavy and overloaded with crap that I, I refuse to let go of. I don't truly desire to hold onto it but yet and still here I am gripping it to death. So today I am laying it down and I may have to do this over and over again and that's ok. Whats not ok is continuing to walk around like I am able to do this without the help of the Lord. As though the issues that come up, whether big or small, pointless or meaningful, are something to put aside and think about later. I refuse to stay in this place when it is so evident that He is calling me to something more. When my spirit longs for more.