Lets say that it takes a lot for me to get things some times and more often than not I think it has to be beaten into my head and my heart. I have come to realize that when I take something into my life I go to nth degree to make it part of me and my world. Then when that is taken away or needs to be left behind I am so stubborn. I do not want to let go.
I told a friend once that its like a tree being pulled roots and all from the ground, it comes up but not without a little soil and earth along the way. This is not an easy task and is proving to be something that comes with great consequences.
Now I don't think that I am any different from anyone else. I think we all have our things, and this is just mine. But lately it seems like I look at myself and wonder who the hell I am. Things that I was certain of have been turned upside down and things that left me confused in times of my past are only returning to rear their ugly heads. I long for one thing and at times live out another. I am at times feeling like I am one person and at odds with the other. This is no new concept amongst us I am sure, but wow the awareness of this has come in such intensity that I am left overwhelmed and seeking out forgiveness, grace, mercy and understanding.
It is the Lords response to this that is leaving me humbled.
There are people I could ask for all this and more, but I am not guaranteed this or anything else. Then there is He who offers it with no hesitation. I cannot believe this. I cannot handle this. I cannot fathom this.
So here I am the day after of yet another one of those times where I walked in Hyde's shoes and not so sure of the damage I have caused.
"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering." Romans 7:21-8:3
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